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Epilogue

18 Apr

Aye, so I couldn’t even last a month without blogging. I am pathetic. Here I am, back On The Blog. Hurrah!

I’ve started a new blog, Snoop Bloggy Blog to satisfy my need to write. But it doesn’t have anything on it just yet. I’ll let all you fly dawgs know AS SOON AS something is on. I’ll notify via Facebook and Twitter, so make sure you’re a fan/follower (link on the right)

So what’s Snoop Bloggy Blog gonna be about? About how gangsta I am (very)? Maybz. I don’t actually know. But I didn’t really have a clue what On The Blog was gonna be about. It’ll probs be along the same lines, but less of the boke-inducing “I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!!” chat. Hurrah!

I have an interview to get ready for now, so no SBB post JUST yet. Maybe in a couple of hours. Maybe.

Stay tuned!!

UPDATE! POST ONE IS PUBLISHED. WHOOP!

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The end of the road

31 Mar

And now, the end is here and so I face my final curtain…

Ladies and Gentlemen, here we are. We’ve come to the end of the line. Unlike The Scream Movies, I know when to stop. I have decided that today, this very post will be my last. Please, please don’t cry.

I have so many new exciting prospects coming up- maybe my modelling will take off, maybe I’ll get some big high paying, all powerful job.Who knows where me and Slappy will end up (marriage, obviously, but you know..)? Who knows what the future will hold?

I feel the story of Judy Frary’s disasterous life has come to an end, and a new chapter is beginning. But yeah, assed with making a sequel. Why ruin a perfectly good story (Pirates of the Caribbean) by dragging it out unnecessarily (why are they making a FORTH movie?! Why!).

Thanks for reading, and following my journey with me. Who knows what’s around the riverbend? Who knows.

All my love,

Judy Fonmanu McSlapperson

Should I take Keisha?

25 Mar

I mean, she’s gonna be my maid of honour, so surely I should take her along? Her opinion means the most, and like, I need to make sure she’s happy with her bridesmaid dress.

Vendors would really take me seriously then. An engagment ring and a baby. They would know I’m not messing around. I mean business.

But then again, I don’t fancy exposing wee Keisha to all those Bridezillas out there. I want to keep her pure and innocent for as long as possible. Hmmmm…what to do

This weekend

25 Mar

Ladz, the most amazing thing is in town this weekend. No, not Vanilla Ice, and certainly not the circus. Something better than those two put together and covered in spaghetti hoops. The Wedding Fare.

Yes, that’s right!!! This weekend, in George Square is The Wedding Fare. How fucking amazing!! Was driving home last night from bar job (remember, not umeployed!!) and see this beautiful, big white marquee all set up and ready to go. I curiously look to see what it’s all about and BOOM!!! My heart just about jumps out of my wee car!! The Wedding Fare!!! Aaaaaaah!!!

Do you even know what that means?! That means hunnerz, and I mean hunnerz, of wedding related sales people all under one beautiful marquee. They’ll be people who do cakes, people who do invites, and most importantly,people who do dresses!!!! I’m gonna try on ten!! Ten!!! Aaaaah!! WEDDING DRESSES!!!! Oh man, I hope they’re cheap. If they are cheap enough I might buy one. Oooooh!! I’m gonna get SO many goody bags! I mean, just think of all the fre wedding stuff I can get!!! Just think. So many brochures, so many invitation samples. Wowza!!

Howevez, there is one problem. I don’t have an engagement ring. So going around all the stalls and vendors, they will look at my left hand, see there’s no ring and just think “urgh, she’s not getting married, she’s just some sad loser in by herself”. Their looks of disgust would break my heart and ruin my enthusiasm. To combat this, I need to buy myself a ring! One of those wee sparkly numbers from Claire’s Accessories ought to do the trick. That’ll prove to these vendors that I am not some single loser prancing around the far for my fake wedding. No. They will take me seriously, and give me their best offers.

I am beyond excited.

Bedroom bin

23 Mar

Have a wee look at your bedroom bin. What’s inside? Perhaps some receipts, some scrap paper. Maybe a couple of facial wipes, cotton buds- that kind of thing.

My bedroom bin contains none of the above. All that’s in mine is empty beer cans, empty cider cans and used condoms.

That my friends, is my life.

Last night’s dinner

21 Mar

Man, dinner last night was incredible. Because we were hungover, rules about eating Slappy Unfriendly food go out the window. He can get a rash and dry skin for all I care. I am tired, hungover and hungry. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for chicken dippers and spaghetti hoops.

How incredible are spaghetti hoops?! Seriously, I mean, just wow. It’s like heaven in a can. The deep orange silky liquid with little round hoops swimming in it. What’s not to like? AND half a can counts as one of your five a day. Ooh la la. Added bonus!

Seriously though. Spaghetti hoops. How on earth would the world function without them? They are the king of foods. The king. Don’t get me wrong, alphabeti spaghetti and Disney pasta shapes are all very well. But personally, I think they are just showing off. What’s wrong with a simple round shape? Nothing. Nothing at all. Spaghetti hoops, I salute you.

What was even better about this dinner, was we had three types of potato. Three. Potato croquettes, potato wedges and crinkle cut potato chips. SMOTHERED in spaghetti hoops. Ladz, seriously. Wow. Just wow.

It pisses me off how restaurants don’t sell spaghetti hoops. I mean, they sell baked beans, why not sell hoops? Why can’t I have a big ole baked potato with spaghetti hoops? Why must I choose beans?! And why must I have peppercorn sauce with my steak? I want hoops!!

I am going to open up a restaurant that sells spaghetti hoops with everything, AND on their own. I anticipate that within 12 months I will be a millionaire.

Poopies

21 Mar

 

I haven’t pooped this entire weekend. What is wrong with me?!

I really, REALLY needed to have one yesterday, but I spent the entire day at Slappy’s (have I told you about Slappy? I’m sure I’ve mentioned him somewhere in the blog…) and I can’t have a poopie in my boyfriend’s flat! That’s atrocious!

I mean, what if it doesn’t flush!! What the fuck would I do?! I can’t just leave it sitting there, like you do in public toilets. I’d have to make it vanish. Obvz I would try the ole stuff hunnerz o toilet papper in and flush like crazy technique, but if that was to no avail, then what? Then what?!

I remember reading a story in Mizz (mind that mag?) about this bird who was like “aye, pooped in my boyf’s house, but it didn’t flush, so I picked the poo up and threw it out the window. But it landed on the roof of the conservatory where everyone was having dinner”. Mare and a half. I don’t think I would try that method for many, many reasons. Mainly, I don’t want to pick up a poo. Could I actually bring myself to pick up my own feces and throw it out the window? Oh god no. I would feel so…disgusting. And if Slappy found out? That’d be the end of it for sure. I mean, I wouldn’t want to go out with a poo flinger. Gadz no!

So, I’ve just kept it in. Kept it tucked inside my booty, safe and snug. I’m at work now, drinking a large coffee, so it’s only a matter of time before I let it all out. But yeah, having a poopie at your boyf’s is strictly off the agenda for this cat. I will just suffer instead.